Loyalty is very important in a marriage
Psychology of Unfaithfulness
If a woman loves deeply she immediately will feel being cheated
His grandmother also deceived and in the three relationships she was betrayed, 'If you love someone deeply a telepathic bond is formed. You feel that you are being cheated', she says
One thing men don't know about women is that their sixth sense is strong. Perhaps if they knew that, they wouldn't have to live with something that hurt them deeply, which they almost regarded as worse than death. A journalist S.N. describes that without censoring emotions women's intuition actually shows how powerful it is. S.N. telling about deception of her grandmother “it's like a legacy handed over from generation to generation,” she says. S.N.who found out in the middle agethatshe was cheatedeven did not think of competition, she turned around and was gone...
Were you deceived when you were married or when you were together?
I was cheated when I was married, and when we were together.. I used to have a problem with that, and I thought it was me. When I asked a girl-friend about why I was being cheated, she said, “You're very maternal, because of this.” My fellow guy asked, “Does heearn less than you?”. Everybody's approach is different. Now I meet in a natural way everything that happens to me. It happens not just with me... It's like a legacy passed down from a generation to the next generation. My grandmother was deceived, but she did not divorce.
I've been cheated a lot in my marriage, but I learned it after I got divorced. I was deceived in both relationships after the divorce, but I felt it right away. You can say, how did you not feel that you were deceived in your marriage? I think all women feel cheated, but if the internal and external conditions are not appropriate, they become numb. They can't tamper with it. I ended my 10-year marriage in three weeks, and if you're actually thinking of leaving, no one can stop you.
How did you meet your boyfriend? Eight years after divorce, I mean, we just met when I was 42. He was my first boyfriend. It's more like a childhood love. We met after 20 years. He just broke up with his wife, he had a little boy, and me a girl. His wife and son settled in Izmir after the divorce. My ex-lover lived alone in Istanbul. His marriage was bad. Of course, I'm his liar. He showed his old albums. His wife looked like a beautiful smart woman. They seemed happy on the photographs... My lover had a drinking problem. He told us that after leaving him years ago he was in a heavy depression and drinking and not having relations with any woman for a long time... He blamed me saying, “It's your fault.” I think he's the one who's going on top of me, accusing people of where I am today. But years later, with the excitement of finding the ex, I couldn't see anything I had to see, or rather chose not to see.
With an ex-lover new relationship is not possible
Rule number one, it's hard to re-establish a healthy relationship with an ex. Rule two, if a new divorced man is on the eve of a divorce, especially if this man is consistently guilty of a crime, it means that a man is constantly finding his wife guilty. Rule number three, a man who is addicted to alcohol loves booze more than you. Rule four, men who have bad relations with their mothers are hostile to women, and one day, they take away the anger for their mother to you. Years ago, when I was a smart young girl, I broke up with my lover because of his mother. She was really insane, and jealous of us. She shared me in everyone.
What kind of a relationship you had with him?
My beloved was a painter. After selling one painting he was lying on the bed for a few months. The biggest problem was that I assumed that the last few years of my life had never happened. How many times has he told me that I didn't see him and that I loved a ghost. He told me I loved the man in my head. I didn't accept the truth. Actually, we got along fine. We both loved to laugh. But when he started drinking, he changed, talked a lot and became aggressive. He didn't like anybody, he was conflicting with everybody. The fact that his name was not famous created a complex in him. He didn't apply any physical violence to me when he was drunk, but he hurt me with words.
He drank less during the first months of our relationship, or rather, he was hiding it from me. I soon realized that he was a strict alcoholic. But it's not enough to notice! I was addicted to him, his love. I couldn't do it without seeing him, like I couldn't breathe without him.
Did you have previous relationship?
He told me everything about his life. I'd tell him too, but to that extent that I should tell. You shouldn't tell men details of your life, which is a grandmother's rule. They must be interested in you. It's important to be a mystery woman.
How did you suspect it?
If you love a person deeply, there is a telepathic connection between you and him, you will feel everything about him. Your intuition gets stronger. We weren't living in the same house. We could only be together for a couple of nights a week. I'd go to his house. He used to come home for dinner, and he stayed one or two times. If you have a small child, the priority is your child. My daughter is more important than anything. I didn't want to live in the same house with my beloved. I didn't think about getting married. If there was no drinking problem, maybe I'd think about it. I thought he would be a bad example for my daughter.
I didn't learn I was cheated, I knew it. I went abroad for a week because of a business trip. He didn't meet me on the way back. His voice was cold on the phone. We didn't see each other for three days. He didn't invite me to his house. I'm not obsessed with it either. I never forget that on a Sunday morning I suddenly had a problem, I felt like I was going to be drown. I left my daughter alone at home and pushed myself to the sea. I had the urge to die where I stood. I grabbed the phone right away, he sounded cheerful. He asked why my voice was bad I didn't answer. I was very restless. The next day after work I went to his home.
So you didn't investigate?
I won’t investigate like this. Am I a child? When he touched me, I felt a cold in his touch. His hug wasn't what it used to be. “Are you with someone?” I said. Surprised, stunned... First, objectinghe was telling a bullshit. Then he complained that I’m always jealous. He said,” You're a paranoiac." When I insisted, “look into my eyes,” the zipper of his mouth opened up. Because he can't lie at all. He's like a child. ‘My opponent’ was a young girl, studying in the university. A friend introduced them. He fell in love at first sight. She had beautiful black eyes.
You wondered about the other woman...
I was curious. When I found out about her age, my curiosity was over. He was 46 years old, and she was 22. It's obvious. Men (usually) are fond of young girls. “As a woman gets over 40, I can't compete with a girl half my age.” I said.According to you she's not as pretty as me. “She looks at me with admiration, you never looked at me like that”, after this words I felt myself strange.He is openly texting with her on the phone. He's never had this kind of things with me. “Am I crazy? All the phone calls, messages are being deciphered one day.” I'm a journalist, I have a friend and an enemy... Of course he didn't understand anything of what I said...
What kind of dialogue happened between you?
Unpleasant dialogues. There was no yelling, no fighting. But I cried a lot. He said it was because of a hormonal issue. In a few months this hormone will become ineffective, somehow this love will end, etc. and so on... It's a shame... I didn't leave his house that day. I could notwalk anyway. My hands and legsbecame weak. I lay on the couch and asked for a blanket. I said, “you get out of the house and be out of my sight for a while.” He listened to me, and he didn't come for a long time. I was thinking about how to survive what happened.
It was a springtime, but I was trembling like a winter chill. I cried a lot. He came home late. He went into the kitchen, made tea, and prepared something to eat for me. He and I were scared of my chattering teeth.
It must have been because of anger. He hugged me, tried to calm me down. I ate a sandwich he prepared, drank the tea. “What shall we do now?” I asked. He really looked miserable, he didn't want to leave me. How nice! Me too I didn't want to leave him. But there was another woman. What were we supposed to do, kill her? I was tranquil and managed to make him talk and learn what was on his mind. He didn't refuse nor from her, nor from me. “There's no such a thing. We'll take a break for these relations. When your love is over, we'll sit down and talk again. But until then, I don't know what direction my feelings will change”, saying he started to cry. My voice was cold as ice. "What the hell have I done? How can I do that to you?" he was whining. He was a spoiled child. He wanted both a truck and a plane.
Have you ever thought and questioned yourself why you was deceived?
Yeah, I did. If you're afraid of being abandoned, you're eventually abandoned. If you're afraid of being deceived, you're deceived. The fear of being abandoned, the fear of not being loved, must be a fear from my childhood, embedded in my subconscious.. If the first time we met, I was a healthy woman with a working head, I wouldn't dare to be together again with the ex lover. Then I should have thought that the alcohol problem was gonna get me into trouble. In the end, I am mother, a bad thing could happen to me. “I'm sorry, I fell in love. Because of that I lost myself. I don't have a luxury of being unconscious...
Did you break up, or did your relationship continue despite being deceived?
It's not that easy to finish right now. I stayed at my boyfriend's house the night I found out I was being cheated. We shared the same bed together. It was our last night that night, and we both knew it. He wanted to be with me, I didn't object. But it didn't feel good to touch a stone-like body. He was so upset, “what did I do to you?” he stopped blaming himself. We both made the morning hard that night. We had breakfast in the morning like nothing happened. We never talked about what happened. We hugged each other when we were breaking up, “This is the last time I see you, I know it.”, he cried. I cried too.
’Men are like cotton'
Did you suffer too much?
Can't I? I couldn't turn around on my way out of the house that day. If I looked, I'd definitely come back. I had a weakness for him... His soft eyes would melt me in my most angry time. That day and the next day I wanted to die. We talked on the phone for long for about two weeks and nights. I was going to therapy for a few months and questioned our relationship and myself. One night, about a month after the break up, he called and said that he had finished relationship with that girl, and thathe regrets of what he did. I said “We love each other, but it's impossible for us to be together again.” This was our last conversation.
Did you blame yourself?
It's useless to blame. My psychologist asked a very painful question: Why do men always have problems with their mothers?” Because I was not enough loved by my mother when I was a child. A child inside of me was always looking for someone like me.
Why do men cheat?
He's got so many reasons... There were three men who cheated on me. All three were not at peace with themselves and the world. They had problems with their parents. Three of them failed because of their high egos in the profession. Their earnings were not higher than mine. All three were fragile and sensitive. Men are like cotton in spite of their macho appearance. If you go to his temper, you'll have a very good conversation. You have to be a “woman” for that. I was unable to have healthy relationships because I was incapable of being an adult, just like the men who came across me.
What should do a deceived woman?
Varies from woman to woman. Some scream, but they stay, and others leave without saying anything... We women, if we're deceived, we think we have to break up. Maybe not.
My married friend was deceived, but she didn't care. She said, “I love him, and I'll wait for him to return.” He did not come back, but she's still waiting. So it’s another state of soul.
Betrayal is worse than being raped
A deceived woman survives the same thing as the one who was tortured!Marriage and a family therapistpsychiatrist Dr. Rukiye Hayrangives this answer to the question of what happens to the women who were deceived.
What does a deceived woman live?
She is shocked like she’s been exposed to a heavy accident or raped... A woman who was deceived said, “I was raped when I was 15, but nothing compares to this deception. It's so painful... Because the one who raped me was someone I didn't know. But now the person who cheated on me is the person closest to me, my life friend. I'm having a hard time figuring it out.” Another woman said, “when I found out that my husband was cheating on me, I stopped feeling special for him. I lost confidence in myself, in the world, in everything.” Think about it, you've been with someone for 20 years. That person is someone you believe is closest to you in your life. The blow you took with deception said to you, “what am I stepping on?"it makes you say. One of the heaviest, most shocking feelings in a human's life is being cheated.
Cheating is a feeling of security, a sense of belonging. About what happened in the past, “Was it a lie?” you think. “We were all devoted to each other,” “is everything so fragile?" thoughts arise. A woman’s view to herself, her husband and the world is changing all of a sudden. “Where am I?”, “What will happen now? Do I live in this world? What about the values I've been standing on all this time? questions like this arise.
Also unfaithfulness is about the fundamental shaking of one's thoughts about self-confidence. We've seen in the earthquake that the earth beneath our feet is not as strong as we thought. There is an important feeling in human life: a sense of basic trust. This feeling is acquired at an early age. This fundamental sense of trust is shaken by deception. A deceived person questions justice to the world. He's got a sense of incredible injustice. “What have I done to deserve this?” he asks to himself. Self-questioning, guilts... One of the women who consulted me, she thought her husband was depressed for a year and tried to support him. But then she found out that her spouse had been having an affair for more than a year. In a letter she wrote to me, “when I learned, I felt humiliated. I guess I'm so insecure about the relationship that my eye didn't see anything. To be alone, not to be preferred, unexpected situation, or a comingfear?”, she said. Most women who are deceived have this kind of thing.
Women usually understand they're being cheated, don't they?
Many women notice it in some way, but it's hard to express it to the other person. She ignores being deceived because she fears the consequences that might arise as a psychological defense. She doesn't do it on purpose. This happens unconsciously, automatically.
Some people have a fear of being alone. Women believe that if deception becomes visible, they will be left alone. She will be abandoned, humiliated. Most of them are labeled ‘cheated woman’. Unfaithfulness becomes a heavy price the woman pays for what the man does. The problem is swept under the rug. The loss of women's self-confidence is also extremely sensitive. Women are raised insecure. Even women at very important points become worthless, insecure when they are abandoned by their spouses. It’s a heavy blow to be abandoned even for many women who are successful in business. Some women even after breaking of their religious beliefs as a result of deceit tell to themselves, “God, how did you allow this to happen to me?"they can say.
