Conflicts Between Spouses in the Early Years of Marriage
The first years of marriage are the hardest years. Although the first three years of marriage are difficult, ironically, they are the most lively years of marriage.
As the years go by, the difficulties in marriage are gradually decreasing, but the first five years, even the first seven years, continue. When we look at the divorce statistics, it’s seen that the divorces occurred in the first years.
So why are the first years of marriage difficult?
The first reason is that it’s so easy for two people who come from separate family structures and cultural environments and have different personality traits to agree and act on a common ground in the future.The second reason is that they are semi-conscious semi-unconscious struggles about which of the spouses will form their own core families based on the original family.
The third reason is that one or both of the spouses have multiple degrees and nuance differences, but they cannot be separated from their own original family in a healthy way. A person may be individualized, but he or she may also be separated from his or her family.
In marriage, spouses place each other in the position of their parents in their childhood, and they take positions in relation to the relationship and inevitably treat the person they are in relationship with accordingly. This naturally prevents the establishment and development of a healthy pair of relationships.This situation is more intense especially in societies where the boundaries of family relations are not known and where the closed family structure is right.It’s difficult to establish a close couple relationship in marriages in which the spouse is consciously or unconsciously withdrawn by the original family.The fourth reason is that the person is re-defined by his spouse, spouse's family, and his family, and is treated as described. In their eyes, that person is no longer the old person. Now he is what they describe and want him to be, that is, the wife they want to be,the groom they want to be, the bride they want to be,the brother they want to be,the sister they want to be, the lover they want to be.If the spouses have adapted to this definition, which is very difficult and even impossible, then there is no problem, but if one or both of the spouses have difficulty playing this new role defined, the couple's relationship problems start to appear.
The fifth reason is the power struggle between the couple and the newlyweds with their individual dynamics.At this point, there are two subjects per pair. One of them is which rules will be followed in marriage and the second reason is by whom these rules are to be put. In marriage couples have difficulty in deciding which rules will be introduced rather than which rules will be followed. Overcoming this difficulty in marriage has a considerable difficulty in itself compared to others. Once the couple has fallen into the trap of power struggle, they begin to experience the power struggle in their relationship. So the couple's relationship is replaced by the power battle. A bad cycle has been triggered. From this point on, a series of problems that are very little resembling the original difficulty begins.
The sixth reason - marriage period is the most important family life cycle in one's life. The person has had his childhood and his adolescence before the marriage, and the time has come to experience the period of marriage.But this family life cycle is much more difficult than the others.While he was able to act alone, he now has a partner relationship.At this point, what will be his position in the relationship?No one wants to have a bad position in the relationship.Therefore, he has to refuse from his attitude in the relationship.So when you take steps, you have to take into account the steps of the other.This is a situation that is not easy to achieve at all.The interesting and unavoidable aspect of the work is that when one of the spouses is pushed into the pit and stumbled and fell on the other.At this point, aspouse faces a deep dilemma. The balance of couples here is finer than the finest gold work art.Interestingly enough, a human being has always experienced this dilemma from the moment he was born.The balance between being an individual and the dilemma of belonging on the journey of life building up stressors is inevitable for every human being. The essence is that life is a long journey between being an individual and belonging. Clients in clinics express this situation like I can not do with or without it.
The seventh reason is that each partner has entered into marriage with expectations based on cat standards. It’s inevitable that communication conflicts emerge at a point where each one has different expectations and desires. The interesting thing is that one of the spouses in marriage doesn't even think that the other might have expectations. A person focuses on his own needs and desires.This is the nature of a human being.When the situation is like this, the problem experienced in the relationship with both spouses falls into the trap of the other's indifference, or constant personality traits.As soon as this cart starts to spin, another problem will be added to the problem before it starts to grow like a snow ball. A couple can't find a logical explanation while they are experiencing the problem. That will make them worse.What works here is not causal, but cyclical.
The eighth is why men and women who do not get approval from their mothers in their childhood and who do not get approval from their fathers live the hunger of attention and approval throughout their lives. They insist on asking for more, no matter how much they get approval in their current relationship.In this way, they inadvertently put themselves in the position of occupier.The effect of our parents on us in childhood leaves traces deeper than they thought. For example, men whose mothers are indifferent oppressive feel deep inside of them when they do not know the missing of love they cannot get in their childhood. This could be reflected in their relationship with women.Some men try to compensate for the pain of interest and compassion they could not get in their childhood by treating women with bad and repressive behaviour.In fact, these men punish women in their lives in a way they do not know, they actually punish their own mothers.
Some men also seek the ideal woman to find the interest and affection that they could not get in childhood. However, the end of this quest does not come most of the time.It's like a lifetime trip.In the same way, women whose fathers are selfish, immature or too strict behave as children in their relationships with men. The interesting part is that their partners complain about treating themselves as if they were treating a girl. These women can't feel enough for lack of self-confidence. Although some other women seem mature from the outside at first glance, the look inside is completely different. She hears the longing of the father who appreciates her.
The ninth why do men and women grow up in the illusion that they are the same, that they have the same urges,that they have the same priorities, and that they have the same skills?When people marry, they are disappointed to see that men and women are not the same. Consultants often face with questions like: How can he be so indifferent?He does not understand me at all! Why can't he just think like me? How can he be so insensitive?In fact, women and men are different. This difference is reflected in the
relationship in different phases of the relationship. Knowing that men and women are different from each other and accepting it helps people to better understand their relationships and therefore to better understand their partners and most importantly to be understood by their partners.
In fact, in relationship, what the hearts are most thirsty for is the desire to be understood.On the other hand, there is an effort to resemble each other that we have inherited from generations living before us. We want to be with people who have similar characteristics to us. We want them to act like us and feel like us. The best car is our car. The best philosophy is our philosophy.The best book is the one we read. We always try to make people the same as ourselves. We'll make sure those who don't get in this mold are out of the way. In reality, the difference is wealth.
The tenth reason is that spouses are highly skilled in finding and exposing each other's negative aspects in marriage, but they pass the positive aspects of one another and their relationship. Focusing on the negative things in the relationship causes the positive things to stay under the wicker and the negative things start to happen.It is natural and inevitable that both affirmations and negatives exist within a relationship. The greatest loss to a man can be given to himself again. Nobody comes close behind him. Because proximity has more potential for injuries. As the poet said “a friend of mine is wounding me“.Every human has the capacity to do a certain amount of good and always do the same amount of evil. This means that the ones closest to us are both the most loved ones and the most prone to injury.There are ways to behave better and behave worse in any case, regardless of the note that comes in contact. We all have a chance to plant our own seeds into the system by translating the negative and the negative into wishes and wishes into the positive. What kind of seeds do you want to plant in your system?In the early years of marriage all couples have to face or fight more or less with these problems. No couples are exempt from these problems. While experiencing these stages on a double marriage journey, the conflict is mountainous and unavoidable. The important thing is that the couple can come together around the solution of the problem and make joint decisions about the future by focusing on their own relationships without allowing their relationship to be poisoned.