10 Principles on a Compromise Dialogue BetweenSpouses
PRINCIPLE 1: TELL
Tell everything you can think of, express your concerns, your fears, and your wishes. For your partner to give importance to important issues, you need to put out your preferences.
Sharing your feelings openly creates a bond of intimacy between you. This makes the bond between each other stronger and deeper. You can also increase a likelihood that your partner will listen to you with understanding by taking yourself seriously and paying respect to your feelings and thoughts.
PRINCIPLE 2: EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS
Your feelings are important information you should share with your partner. At the same time, we need to take our emotions as a starting point for our thoughts. Feelings, thoughts and actions are not separated: these three are at work. When you become aware of a feeling, you need to think carefully about that feeling before you can properly assess the message you receive. If you can use your emotions in this way, they will guide you in understanding what your concerns, fears, and preferences are.
Try not to say: “You're making me feel …. myself”,for example " you make me feel bad, and I don't know what to do.” A sentence like that is an accusation, not a way of expressing your feelings. Such an expression puts the responsibility of your feelings on the shoulders of the person who listens to you. However, the phrase “I feel bad” is not an accusation that defines the situation that you live.
PRINCIPLE 3 ENTER PROHIBITED
You shouldn't talk about your wife's thoughts. It’s very important to talk about your own thoughts and ask your partner's thoughts, but by talking about your partner's thoughts, you force the limit between your own feelings and thoughts and your partner's personal feelings and thoughts.
Talking about your partner puts your partner's autonomy at risk, and an unusual situation arises as if you were a single person rather than a single individual. Individuals do not want to lose their independent identity. Comments about your partner's thoughts, while the conflict between you causesthe question about your partner's concerns or thoughts, you are closer to each other.
Type of border violations:trying to read minds, trying to read emotions, sticking them to labels,criticizing them, giving advice or managing them.
PRINCIPLE 5: LISTEN TO LEARN
Firstlisten to what your partner says to see if it's true,useful, and logical. If your goal is to understand what your partner is saying,you are listening to the information he or she provides to you. The purpose of your listening is to acquire the information to listen to the object of listening, to listen to objection. If you are listening to find out what is wrong with your partner,you are deprived of valuable information and the relationship between you becomes a contention.
PRINCIPLE 6: LISTEN TO EMOTIONS
Emotions carry important messages. The words speak the truth: “flavor” –positive or negative,internal or injured,threatening or enjoyable – and thus allow you to respond to these realities.The sun may be shining outside, but it’s your emotional state that will allow you to go out and walk in the sun. Emotions are often not required. Emotions, such as friendship or seriousness, are always kept in the background and ignored.
PRINCIPLE 7: LISTEN TO BOTHSIDES
Both your partner’s and yoursability to listen to your voice,especially when making an action plan is very useful. It’s important for one to be important for the other at the moment. So they give each other the message, “you're important to me. “ the most important skill couples have to gain for their marriage to work is two-sided listening”.
PRINCIPLE 8: TOUCH YOUR DIALOGUES
Those who are successful in dialogue communicate their dialogue:each of them has its own perspective,together with the other's perspective, and a new vision emerges from the one and only understanding. That way, there's a consensus when you're talking. In a tactile dialogue, there are the following conditions.
- Listen carefully while your partner is talking
-Repeate the information you received aloud
-Add your own opinion about it while your partner listens to you carefully
PRINCIPLE 9: PAY ATTENTION TO FOUR FEATURES
An effective dialogue has four important features.
The symmetry in a dialogue is how much each person talks. If spouses talk in equal amounts, they're getting symmetry.
PRINCIPLE 10: CONTROLTHE AIR
Couples have a chance to control the mood of their relationships,even if they face stress and tension. Whether your general conditions are problematic or calm, you can pretty much control your own situation as a couple. We'll call it Air Control.
- Check the words you use
- Take a break if you get excited
- Plan exit and entry routes
-Keep the moments of fatigue, hunger, illness and depression under control.