Selection of Ideal Spouse for Marriage, Pre-Marital Evaluation
In this articleI will tell about what should be considered before getting married in order to make an ideal marriage. How to make a marriage decision? What is anideal spouse?
Is there an ideal age for marriage? Can a self-righteous person with behavioural problems be an ideal life partner? What to do in case of addiction? What to do if you are harassed by the person you want to marry? What are you going to do if the person you want to marry loves someone else? What does it mean if the person you intend to marry is critical to other people, for example, your friend or family? You can find comprehensive information about this and similar questions in this article.
Spouses spend so much money on items that they believe (or are forced to buy) are required for a beautiful wedding and a happy nest that they have difficulty in adapting to a new way of life in the first few years of their marriage. It would be good for parents who will marry their children to realize the harm they have done to the young couple as soon as possible. This is another issue, and the point I want to bring up is another one. Even one tenth of the cost of marriage preparations is not made to apply to a therapist.
Although many couples have serious problems before they get married, they go to counselling for help only after they get married and decide that they couldn’t solve the problems a few years later. However, perhaps if they had gone to a therapist before marriage, the problems would be resolved without the prolonged memory of many heartbreaking fight scenes, or they would decide to break up for a few years of unhappiness for themselves and their relatives. Breaking up is a painful thing, but sometimes it's the right decision.
According to research by Stahnmann and Hiebert, communication is 63 percent, unrealistic expectations from marriage or spouse 62 percent, economic issues 60 percent, decision-making and problem solving 55 percent and the power struggle between spouses takes 51 percent of problem-solving that couples experience in marriage.
Although the efforts of providing happier marriages through pre-marital evaluation and education have started in the 1950s and more complex and comprehensive programs have been introduced over time, a number of isolated studies have been limited in the scientific community and practical applications have not yet been converted into practice because they are the products of the efforts to protect marriageand improve it.
An important consequence of the development of preventive and protective methods in marriage is that it’s easier and more effective to take precautions before problems arise and try to solve them after problems arise. For this reason, many family therapists have started to incorporate prevention programs into their studies.
Romeo and Juliet, Leyla and Mejnun, Prince Charles and Lady Diana literature, history and romantic love of the modern world have ended tragically. Today, the increasing rates of divorce are equally tragic.In some states of the United States, spouses are encouraged to pre-marital evaluation and counselling. In the pre-marital period, spouses are more likely to develop relationships in some ways. For example, they are younger, happier, and emotionally more connected to each other. Pre-marriage counseling is another noteworthy problem solving problem before it occurs so that spouses can maintain the motivation of their relations execution, so that they can prevent other possible problems in a more effective and motivated way, pre-marriage counseling is not only for problematic couples. Just like the annual check-up done in terms of preventive medicine, pre-marriage evaluation should be considered in terms of relationship.
What should be the ideal spouse like?
What is the ideal choice of a spouse? The ideal partner for everyone is not a single type of person. Although everyone has different preferences, there are some things that everyone should look for in his/her co-candidate friend. The following features must be sought in the ideal partner candidate:
What is the ideal age for marriage?
What is the appropriate age for marriage? What should be the maximum age difference between men and women? When a woman and a man meet and start dating, marriage does not come to the agenda in most cases, if this encounter is not a date set by relatives or friends for a specific purpose. The couple does not know the short and long-term expectations of each other regarding this date and does not raise this issue with some concerns. Most of the time, unfortunately, after a certain commitment has occurred and time has passed, a party can demonstrate its expectations and learn the thinking of the other party.Men and women who are generally educated, have professional life, depending on the culture to which they belong, start thinking of marriage later than men and women who are traditional or without career expectations. Women of the modern world with career expectations tend to make their marriage decision more quickly when they are in their 30s or early thirties. Men in their 40s approached a certain point in their work, and now they begin to think of marriage more feverishly. In other words, it can be said that a woman in her 30s and 40s and a man in his 40s decide to marry at close speeds. However, for example, a 30-year-old woman and a man start dating, the guy will be less willing to marry or will need twice as much time to make a decision to marry. It’s therefore important for women and men to clarify their expectations when starting a relationship in order to prevent future frustrations.
We see that the relationships that started during school years have often resulted in separation, no matter a long period of time spent together. In the school years, simply with motivation to have a good time and not to be alone,they find "accidental" partners, andafter the school endshaving different expectations and career paths couples follow a profession out of school and relationship ends or the solution goes through a crises.
Business life is a life in which one encounters the ideals of reality and the ideals are forced to compromise. During our years of studies we can choose or change our friends. But business life is not like this. We're forced to change ourselves, not our environment. It can be said that business life has the ability to change our expectations about life, how we relate to people, and even how we think about exactly what kind of marriage should be.For this reason, the ideal age for marriage should be at least 2 years after the completion of education and dedication to business life.
In the event of a long-term education process such as post-university doctoral education or medical education, such as the extension of expertise to the Thirties, it will not be possible to expect to be taken into business life, and perhaps it will not be true. In the case of a postgraduate doctoral education or a very long education process, such as medical education, which lasts up to the age of thirty, it’s impossible not to expect to be involved into business life. In this case the person should know very well what he expects from his profession, marriage and a life partner.
Denial of personality traits and behavior problems
It's important to have your eyes fully open when you're interviewing someone to get married. Unfortunately, many people ignore the personality or behavior problems of their partners. They think that the love they feel will overcome problems. If your friend has such problems likejealousy, irritability, irresponsibility, dishonesty, stubbornness or behavior problems, you should ask yourself if you want to deal with these problems for the rest of your life. Ignoring such behavior problems can cause you pain for a long time when you turn your friendship into a long-term relationship.
Don't be too eager to get married
If your partner is in a hurry to marry you, be careful. Being too eager to get married is a warning sign for couples in the process of getting to know each other. Excessive willingness can be a sign of loneliness, sensitivity to rejection, or general resentment towards people. In this way, they are either trying to get rid of their home environment or loneliness as soon as possible, and therefore bring some emotional problems to their marriage. Give yourself time and never decide against the pressure to rush like this, without knowing what you're facing.
You may have narcissistic problems if you expect constant attention from your partner or other people. Narcissism is a state of extreme self-esteem (or attempts of self-esteem). Narcissism will be a serious problem in terms of marriage. A person with narcissistic problems is constantly in anticipation of behaviors from his partnerthat will make him feel better. However, no one can assume such responsibility, even our spouse. Marriage shall be entered into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses. Deterioration of expectancy of a person's balance in the direction of excess is a consumer situation in terms of marriage. A person with narcissistic problems may need to be treated before marriage.
Being Extremely Critical
Most people act as best as possible at the beginning of their relationship. However, after a few months of meeting you will face the "real person". What you need to observe is whether you are going to be critical of other people. Especially at the beginning of the relationship may not be critical to you, but be careful if other people (friends or family) have a critical attitude. If your relationship continues, eventually the critical attitude will target you.
Alcoholism, Addiction and Marriage
No one wants a bad relationship. But if you marry someone who has addiction, you've started a difficult job. Alcohol, substance, gambling and sex addiction are serious problems. Many people avoid exposing themselves as they are before they get married. For this reason, you should pay attention to the hints related to addiction during the dating phase. Talk to your partner and get professional help immediately if you see any suspicious behavior. The chances of a successful marriage where one or both of the spouses have a dependency problem are low.
Unrealistic expectations about marriage
One of the most important problems with marriage is unrealistic expectations of the spouses. There will be a lot of good times before the marriage. It’s not realistic to think that marriage will be in a similar way. Unfortunately, many couples discover that life is ups and downs after marriage. This is why it’s of great benefit for couplesprepared for marriage to discuss the possible problems in advance. Being as honest and open as possible before you get married will make your relationship stronger in the long run.
Solve one’s own problems before marriage
Many people get married emotionally without being ready. If they marry without solving their personal problems, they will jeopardize their relationship. Marriages of unhealthy people will inevitably be problematic, resulting in new emotional suffering for both parties. Therefore, you must first take the time to get to know yourself very well. In an increasing manner, many couples choose the way to apply for individual therapy before marriage to increase their chances of a happy healthy marriage.
Flirting with others
If your partner has flirted with you before you started dating, you should know that this is a personality. He/she may also be flirting with others when you go out together. This does not mean that you are wrong or that your relationship is not right. Your friend may have a personality that only likes to attract attention.
Making a marriage decision too quickly
If you have known your partner for less than a year when you decide to get married, you should be careful. Scientific studies show that there is a strong relationship between the duration of dating and the success of marriage. Many marriages end because of a very fast marriage decision.
Marriage at a young age
According to the divorce statistics, people aged 21-22 divorce twice as much as those aged 24-25.Therefore, if you have not passed 20, and you intend to marry, you should be careful. Married at a very young age are usually not ready for their role in marriage. Married at an early age also missed some opportunities to develop themselves, or after marriage because they have not yet completed their personal development, they may realize that the person they marry is not really suitable for them. Therefore, even if you believe that you have found the right person at an early age, you will gain more than you might lose without delaying your marriage decision.
Feeling pressure about marriage
People are sometimes exposed to pressure from friends, sometimes from family. The family might think the couple should get married as soon as possible. Or maybe your friends are very close to each other and see your relationship as an opportunity that should not be missed. If you're getting pressure, you have to make your decision carefully. When you decide to marry under pressure, not with free will, you may think that "I didn't want to marry anyway, I knew this person wasn't right for me." The interesting part is that you may be right in your opinion, or you may be wrong. You might have had a similar problem if you had made your marriage decision entirely at your own volition. But we stand stronger behind our own decisions. We will make it easier for us to do what is necessary for marriage to last by our own free will.
Difficulty in anger management
It’s very important how the person you intend to marry controls anger. It can be difficult to understand because we try to show ourselves as good as possible in the beginning of the relationship. If there are problems with anger management, it’s certain that it will become even more difficult after marriage. Anger at small things, contempt of other people, impulsiveness and apology afterwards, blaming other people for their anger are the clues to be taken into consideration that anger is difficult to be controlled. If you see a few of these signs in your partner, you should ask for professional help.
Not being yourselfin a relationship
The purpose of being with someone is to find a friend that fits our personality, our way of life, our values and believes. If you can't be yourselfwith your partner, you have to seriously question what this relationship will bring to you. Whatever the outcome is, you must act as the person you believe in and think of. If your partner cannot accept you
as you are, and he thinks you should change, it will hurt you if you continue this relationship. If you are unable to finish a relationship that you believe should end at the beginning, you should think that your relationship is a dependency and seek for help.
Not showing your feelings
Some people are external to one another, others can be very difficult to understand how they feel. If the person that doesn't understand how you feel is your spouse, it can be disappointing. If you do not understand how your partner feels about you, you should talk to him before your relationship becomes more serious. Expressing emotions is an important aspect of communication and serious communication difficulties will cause problems in marriage. If you can't even talk about your concerns openly, you have a good chance of a failed marriage.
Sexual physical abuse
Sexual or physical abuse is very common, especially in adolescent relationships. If your partner harasses you physically or sexually, it should definitely be terminated. Harassment will hurt you and your self-esteem. If you think you're being harassed, you should talk to someone you trust. If you are being harassed by your partner, you should end the relationship, because research shows that harassment will continue if you continue relationship or get married. If you can't finish, you should contact the police. If you don't do this you will continue to suffer more. If you are not allowed to end the relationship and are being threatened, contacting the police is the only way to stop harassment. Harassment will harm your self-esteem and you should definitely get help from a therapist. No one deserves harassment. You should seek for help from an expert on what you can do to prevent abuse.
Unhealthy relationship signals
If the number of friends has decreased after your relationship started; if you have started to fail in your classes or work; if your relationship with your family has deteriorated or you have become more withdrawn; if you are crying from time to time or if you are generally sad; if you feel compelled to call immediately when your friend rings; if your friend breaks, punches, or damages something, even in situations that are not related to your relationship; he or she is pushing you or behaving rude; your friend is accusing yourself of being rude; your friend is being insulted or insulted physically or verbally in his or her family; alcohol dependency in one or both parents means something is wrong. This relationship may not be right for you. For sure you should get professional help.
If he/she loves someone else
You like someone, but if she's dating someone else, it doesn't always mean that a relationship with that person can't start. The best thing you can do is to move on. Keep doing what you can only do as a good friend if you're in the same environment with this person. If you have a chance to tell what you think of him/her, do so. If he/shelearnsabout your feelings, he/she might think about ending current relationship and start dating with you. Dating isn't the same thing as dating to get to know someone better. However, if he/she is trying to manage two people and if he/she is not honest, you need to draw your boundaries and end the relationship, even if you are upset.