A Guide for Newlyweds to Learn to Live Together
Marriage is one of the most significant things in human life. If we don’t count childhood and teenager period, there is graduated and create independent life period without family. The important work in that
lifetime circle is to create a career and find a spouse/love.When the couple, who lay heads together during this period and decided to live their lives together, decided to marry, a new life cycle is taken. Furthermore, the first experience is stress and resistance to change as usual in every new lifetime period. Although it is a decision that this couple made very willingly, a system is changing and there is a need to adapt to the new system; this is a painful process. The person's lifestyle will change, get new responsibilities and the most things are that person will open a new page to create their own family and life independently of their family. At the same time, this means growing… Growing is strengthened to people but it also forces them. When many young people start to fly from under the parents’ safe and comfortable wings, inner stress appears. Even if parents that preservationist and getting all responsibility from their child, Young people have difficulty in deciding to leave their family. These tensions can be reflected in their relationships if they are not noticed by individuals.
In addition, while flirting, the couple has not yet taken part in these responsibilities; there is always the possibility of separation, leading a more independent life with their families or in their own homes. However, marriage will now become a family, responsibilities and expectations will change accordingly. With the marriage decision, many issues may arise beforehand, which are not in the dating period. For example, the families of both sides begin to appear on the scene, especially if there is a conflict or conflict between the two families and this situation cannot be managed well, it will be reflected in the couple's relationship. We see a lot of problems especially during engagement period or wedding preparations. Couples may have a lot of problems due to many reasons such as making joint decisions, the balance of power, expectations, differences of opinion, money issues, cultural differences of families and so on.
After the marriage, the habituation process continues. We can see the divorces at the first 1-2 years of marriage. There are big clashes between couples who can’t get used to each other and their marriage life, accept the differences and adapt to this, and sometimes this can result in divorce. A newly established home life has new rules and expectations. If there is no healthy communication between the spouses, if they haven't talked about these beforehand, if they can’t manage conflicts well, quarrels are still inevitable.
By the way, the first year of marriage, especially if there are problems in wide family reconciliation and relationship management related to these situations, this stress can be seen at couples a lot. Especially, a person who stays between family and spouse is the most affected ones.
Other problem issues that are most common in marriages are the budget, namely the money issue, the roles of women and men, sexuality, and the division of labor at home. The budget management and division of labor of the house should be discussed, perhaps even before the couples live in the same house. It must be met on a common ground, which does not lead to conflicts; in fact, marriage is like starting a new business. The same applies to marriage, just as all details are considered, a compromise is reached, contracts and job descriptions are made when starting a new business. Of course, we are not talking about a very technical thing, but speaking and reconciliation of verbal or non-verbal agreements make this marriage adjustment process much easier. When it comes to sexuality; couples compatible with each other, and it is really significant to talk expectations and needs of couples. Most of the time, sexual incompatibilities at the first time of marriage affects both sexual life and a long life relationship. These can lead to conflicts and divergence.
Which situations force couples?
First of all, the most challenging behaviour is that couples try to change each other instead of accepting each other who they are. However, everyone wants to be loved and accepted unconditionally; the essence of our existence is to be seen and understood. The person who feels this is already open to compromise. When the couples try to change without power war, the tension increases, the conflicts emerge, the feeling of despair, dislike, and incomprehension increases, and the relationship is badly damaged. Besides;
-Be complex instead of being clear
- Not having enough and quality time for each other.
-Not feed to relationship to think within the guarantee.
- Not show your feelings and love to the other side.
-Letting to others interferes in your relationship with ignoring of family integrity that created new.
- Not respecting each other's special areas,
- Whenever possible, both sides don’t take it from below, to make stubbornness,
- It is very difficult for couples to say separation in every discussion.
One of the most important ways for conflicts between the couple not to turn into a crisis is to learn healthy communication. Let's not forget, communication is an art. Generally the most common mistakes in communication in marriage; the accusatory and critical way of expression is to reveal all the anger immediately without cooling down on the issues, to go to the defence frequently, to weave the wall of one of the parties while talking, and the other to feel rejected disdain and humiliation. In such communication, it is not possible for people to feel understood, to reach the place of the messages given to each other and to compromise.
In other way, increasing the positive interaction between the couple, spending enjoyable time together, allocating nice time to each other, express interest and love well; that is, strengthening the couple's positive resources. This is how much more and stronger, the feeling of tightness in marriage can be tolerated, the issues can be solved and a safe environment can be maintained in the marriage.
Generally, supporting of an specialist is important in relationships which turn to crisis. The crisis is the last point, and nothing isn’t working what you do, issues turn to complex problems. At that king of issues, some specialist s make to understand better feeling of tightness between the couple and help them come up with solutions and overcome the crisis, again for the cause. Don’t forget that every crisis even if used as well evaluated and constructive, bring growing both personal and relational. Generally, couples turn to a specialist in a crisis. My suggestion is to move on after the solving crisis because it makes more possible and healthy to solve problems, covenant and improve relationship in marriage without crisis times.
If there is acceptation, open-minded to the covenant, health communication and good friendship as love, respect among each other in marriage, there is no problem to can be solved. Disagreements in marriage, character conflicts in marriage, getting used to new rules and roles, tensions about large families will be possible problems, but they will be overcome by constructive dialogue and understanding.
My suggestion is that there should be personal area and common between the couples. Then there will be a healthier relationship life. If there is personal life, relationship can grow. It can be better tolerance to stress. Stress that comes from outsider affect home life is decreased. If everybody has places that discharge themselves, they don’t reflect themselves to the other side. It is important that esteem personal boundaries and protects them. For instance, if the guest will be calling around, you should ask you’re your spouse that (s)he is suitable for the guest, one side should support to another side while (s)he is exhausted even if (s)he doesn’t normally do, not to force each other into things they don’t want, but to be able to stretch the boundaries on very important matters for the other.
Be able to say “NO”, expressing needs and expectations clearly, expressing constructively and softly at a convenient time without keeping the things that are disturbed, is important to protect these limits and freedom.
It can be different how much problem and crisis normal or not for every couple and every person. Some people raise in fighting, noise, even violence family, some of them raise in quite, a little bit fighting and understanding family. At that situation, both sides can differ the environment (s)he was used to and her/his way of dealing with conflict. It is normal to fight by shouting unless there is violence for someone, and even discussing for others can be perceived as abnormal.
Important thing is that couple should know, understand and find the lowest common denominator each other and their past well. It is an important base to reach and try to understand objectively what kind of history has behind the overreacting spouse. Where is the overreaction, there is the probably childhood story or triggering of traumatic events in life. For instance, we can see that a person who is mad or gets upset when his wife does not pick up his phone is a serious abandonment story with his parents in his past story, but for the external viewer, this is a very strange and extreme reaction... whereas the person who doesn’t pick up the phone there is a rejection, abandonment of his/her childhood. It is very important to understand them, get to know our partner well, ask sincere and really curious questions. There have to be a good atmosphere of friendship and trust between the couple for this.
However, if the problems can’t be solved in some way, the couple is stretched like a bow and comes to the point of explosion at the slightest difficulty, it starts to move away emotionally and physically from each other, if it is directed towards third parties or objects, if the couple is enemies instead of friends, everything is perceived as negative, If it is not enjoyed, if the slightest conversation results in a fight, then we see that the relationship is eroded and if the precaution is not taken, they come to the point of separation or if they don’t leave, they live a life of unhappy life.
Is there any effect of mother-father in these crises? How can deal with?
As I mention, there is undone childhood issues behind part of crisis and conflicts experienced. As an expert word “we deliberately choose some people as spouse in our life and they make us live constantly their nightmares that undone childhood issues…” Lovelessness, guilt, neglect, worthlessness, inadequacy, etc. the most basic issues are generally. Challenges while growing up, conflicts with our family, miss feelings and negative beliefs that we created unwittingly about us while a child often shows us in our relationship with the spouse we chose. That’s why I recommend that people who have difficulties in their relationship despite all the work should get individual therapy support. Because it seems like a problem that you have been through about your spouse, there are some triggers that appear inside of us; so these are both sides. Although it is a hard thing that digs some our problems where we bury, you should face them, create awareness and left them your behind then you should gather yourself up together. You can prevent to live same scenario and loop again and again. Even if you divorce, you might have similar problems with the new person you chose in your future life. In fact, our children also get their share from these cycles, unwittingly transferring them from generation to generation, unhealthy communication, emotion cycles and behaviour cycles.
We have to step back then understand what, why we react… What does this remind me? Is this feeling about me or about my spouse? How much did you separate your way with your parents? Are you depended your family to get confirmation? There is benefit to ask that kind of question.I strongly recommend that couples who clash, fight, and have difficulties in dealing with issues during the flirting period should get counselling before marriage. This is seen very often in America. The earlier things are intervened and resolved without accumulation, impregnation, other responsibilities and stress on the relationship, the higher the marriage quality of the couple.